Jokes of the day

Subject: Jokes of the day Wed Feb 11, 2009 10:41 pm

Picked from an email:

WARNING : DON'T OFFER DUIT KOPI FROM NOW ON!DEAR FRIENDSIf you have ever paid or are thinking of paying ' Coffee Money' when stopped for traffic or other offences, DON'T EVER Do This Again. The traffic department (JPJ) has recently started a campaign to be rid of corruption. Every Officer on duty will be rewarded with RM100.00 if they report each case of bribery to the department. This is how they do (trick you into) it. They will note down the details of your IC/MyKad, and ask you how you want to settle ( 'Macam mana nak selesai?') If you indicate yes or even offer to give them any money, they will report the incident by rejecting your 'Kopi Money' and get the RM100.00 instead as an incentive for their integrity and 'Honest' pubicity. This means that You will end up having a summon issued to you and perhaps a charge for bribery.SO DON'T PAY DUIT KOPI AGAIN, especially if you hope to go free with a lesser amount of money compared to the fine. Even if you want to pay over RM200, the JPJ Officers would rather have a 'good' name than to take your kopi money.

Just beware of their trick because the cops are now accumulating 'cookies' points for their promotion and pay increment - with your help if possible.

They should have done this to stop corruption long time ago... but anyway it's better late than never, right?

SPREAD THIS MESSAGE TO EDUCATE OTHERS ON THIS NEW ANTI-RASUAH POLICY!AND DON'T YOU DARE TO CORRUPT ANY JPJ OR EVEN POLICE OFFICERS AGAIN!

(Admin: I edited all ur posts. Consolidate them into one thread as it will be more meaningful rather thasn opening up so many threads for just one jokes in a thread )

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:46 am

Think most still will take kopi instead.

1 car=50. , 10 car=500 liao. Will be more than their promo.( If they ever get it, and i suppose they will also need to pay kopi for it.)
You decide yourself if you wanna pay the full sumon every single time you get stopped or take the risk.

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:18 am

lmws wrote:: Interesting story about WD40...
PS: I don't work for, sell or distribute WD40, just TCSS.

WD-40. Who knew?

I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup.
I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw
That someone had spray painted red all around the sides
Of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).
I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.
He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do
Probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.

Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off.
It removed the unwanted paint beautifully
And did not harm his paint job that was on the truck.
I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew?
'Water Displacement #40'
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent
And degreaser to protect missile parts.
WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians
At the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company.
Its name comes from the project that was to find
A 'water displacement' compound.
They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts..

Ken East (one of the original founders)
Says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it.
It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door.
If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stovetop ... Viola!
It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
Here are some other uses:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring.
It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub
Nearly as hard to get them off.
Just remember t o open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove .
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida 's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York, WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty
From the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures
And you will be catching the big one in no time.
Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants
That are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though,
Using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing
Are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls.
Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter
has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry,
saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap,
it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
44. Removes pricing labels adhesive, and tape adhesives..

P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.

lmws wrote:: The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!

Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?

When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai ah, siam! or Siam jee pee! (move aside) or S'kius!(excuse)

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:18 am

lmws wrote:: Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

================================================== ===

Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

================================================== ===
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

================================================== ===
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

================================================== ===
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again.

================================================== ===

Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'

================================================== ===
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'

================================================== ===
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.

================================================== ===

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.

================================================== ===

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

================================================== ===

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

================================================== ===

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

================================================== ===

Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

================================================== ===
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not
in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM

lmws wrote:: A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile
phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She
instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across
an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After
junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her
that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the
three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from
work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed
out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him
again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out
what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked
junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him
when he called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not
available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:19 am

lmws wrote:: There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

lmws wrote:: As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:19 am

lmws wrote:: Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (Who studied this and why? LOL
You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
Bubble gum contains rubber.
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
Even if you cut off a ****roach's head, it can live for several weeks.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
Mosquitoes have teeth.
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." (big surprise, eh?)
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

lmws wrote:: As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297- The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:19 am

lmws wrote:: Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?

Needless to say he never made it. Do you know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam:

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labour - pretending to work.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Impotent - distinguished/well known.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close

lmws wrote:: Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry that it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing
field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.

My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.

By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

1.To make an appointment to see me
2.To query a missing repayment
3.To make a general complaint or inquiry
4.To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5.To transfer the call to my bedroom, in case I am still sleeping; Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6.To transfer the call to my toilet, case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer: (To leave a message a pass word to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.)
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,

uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for". After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per A4 page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client.

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:20 am

lmws wrote:: A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

lmws wrote:: At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the
benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance,
meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

lmws wrote:: When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home:
· Lock your doors
· Draw the curtains
· Disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
· Change into very comfortable pyjamas and sit in your favourite chair.
· Carefully open the package and remove the thermometer.
· Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface close to you.

Now the fun part begins:
· Take out the literature and read it carefully.
· You will notice, in small print, there is a statement. "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."
· Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so thankful that I do not work for Quality Control Department at Johnson and Johnson."

Always remember - THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:20 am

lmws wrote:: An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the local fella. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks use sheep."
"That's disgusting," said the correspondent. I've never heard of such moral degradation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her, and tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustration's.
Afterward, he escorted the sheep to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his woolly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been doing it with sheep for years, but when I do it you look at me like I am some sort of pervert!"
One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up and said, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

lmws wrote:: A guy has been stranded on an island for about two years. He's standing there one day, thinking to himself that he's just not convinced that he's seen the entire island yet. "You know, I don't think I've seen this entire island yet. I think I'll map it out or something because this is driving me nuts, I couldn't be the only one here." So he starts putting leaves down on the ground to cover where he's been, and does this for about two weeks. About two weeks later, he comes back to where he started, and suddenly realises that he's the only one here, for sure. "This is ridiculous, I can't take this anymore. I haven't had sex for two years, I gotta do SOMETHING."

So, the next day, kind of depressed, he's walking through the jungle, and suddenly he hears a shaking sound in a bush. "hmm.... no, musta been the wind." So he keeps walking, and all of the sudden, this sheep pops out. He stands there for a sec, and then thinks... "You know, I've read about this, I've heard it's not so bad... well hey, in desperate times, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, so..."

He starts to walk over to the sheep, and as he approaches it, this dog jumps out of another bush and attacks him! Well, the dog scares the sheep off, needless to say, and then the dog takes off. Pissed, the guy jumps up and says,

"What the hell was THAT about? I've been here for two years and I haven't seen either of those animals yet!!" Well, he throws up his hands and decides to go home.
Two weeks later roughly, he's out for a stroll, looking for food in the jungle as usual, when he comes across the very same sheep grazing on a bush. Tentatively, he looks around to see if the dog is anywhere in sight, and then thinks "Oh boy, here goes nothin'!" to himself, and starts running towards the sheep. He's almost there when all of the sudden, that same dog comes flying through the air and knocks him over! Well, the guy screams at the dog, and the sheep takes off once again... as does the dog. The guy jumps up and says, "I've HAD it! Stuff this, I'm not interested anymore."

Well, the next day, the guy's down at the beach taking a bath, and he sees something floating in the water. "Hey, what's that? It looks like debris or something..." says the guy, and decides to swim out to it.

When he finally gets to the debris, he finds that it's actually a piece of a shipwreck, and there's a gorgeous blonde woman, floating unconscious on the driftwood. "I can't believe my luck, look at this!!!" he yells, and drags her ashore.

Once there, he gives her mouth to mouth, and brings her around. "Oh, you've saved my life, how can I ever repay you?" she says weakly, staring into his eyes.

He thinks to himself for a second, and says "WELL..." and explains his situation over the last two years. Sums it up for her, and says,
"... and basically what it comes down to is, I need you to hold this dog..."

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:32 am

great ! now everthing is in one topic liao...was reading all these funny stuff but find it a bit laychez to switch topic...now all can put their jokes in this thread liao. Will try to contribute a few...when free..hahahaha

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:19 pm

Achilles69 wrote:: great ! now everthing is in one topic liao...was reading all these funny stuff but find it a bit laychez to switch topic...now all can put their jokes in this thread liao. Will try to contribute a few...when free..hahahaha

Xiong leh. Took mi quite some time to arrange it also. Think its 2am like tat liao

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Thu Feb 12, 2009 11:14 pm

wah.. so many to read. Eye also Siong... btw, thanks for all the effort contributed.

Cheers.

Subject: Re: Jokes of the day Sun Feb 15, 2009 6:02 pm

SEX WHEN YOU'RE 100

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

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